im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
