The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
