I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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