This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
