hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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