Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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