You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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