I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
