i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
