so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
