i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
