trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
