I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
