Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
