that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
