ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
