Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
