The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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