I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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