so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
