I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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