Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
