Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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