I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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