Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
