final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
