Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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