Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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