he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
