my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
