I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
