I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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