You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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