You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think I just sharted jello shots
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
