Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
