I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
