people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
