i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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