you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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