I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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