allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His nipple licking is glorious
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