Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
