My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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