you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
