Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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