Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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