Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
