this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
