Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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