I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
