no, he came in my armpit
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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