I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
