i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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