i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
