rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
