why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i will never coherently bang her
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
