The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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