why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Two words: nipple clamps
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