I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
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I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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